Odds are, you probably could use a coach over the next couple of years as you go through reentry. But odds also are that you don't think you do. We want you to think again. Read on, and we'll explain why.
There's lots of buzz in society today about coaching. It's not just in sports. It's everywhere. It's showing up big-time at the workplace, in education, and in more general "life coaching." But alongside the buzz, there's also a lot resistance to coaching and misunderstanding about what it is and how it works. We're going to try to demystify things by laying out: (1) what coaching isn't, (2) what coaching really is, (3) a sampling of some powerful coaching questions, and (4) an example of a popular coaching technique, the G.R.O.W. model.
Let's dive in...
Coaching isn't about some guy screaming in our ear and telling us what to do. There are some old-school sports coaches who've bullied and belittled their players. That's not coaching. That's just intimidation. No one needs that.
Coaching isn't for losers or for people who can't think for themselves. Truth is, top sports figures, corporate leaders, and other successful people rely on coaching to get unstuck, keep growing, or discern their next moves. Don't be too proud to seek out coaching help because you'll find that, in the process of being coached, you'll do your deepest and most productive thinking.
Coaching isn't advice-giving. Let's be honest, a lot of us have a habit of trying to "fix" other people. The solution to their problems seems so obvious (to us) that we just want them to take our honest and well-intentioned advice. But who wants to hear anything somebody has to say to us when they start by saying "Well, you know what your problem is…"? Most of us tune out anything that comes to us as unasked-for advice.
Coaching isn't consulting. There's a time and a place for experts to come in, do their analysis, and then offer their recommendations. Companies need to do this from time to time. But when it comes to our personal lives, we're the real experts, not some outsider who barely knows us.
Coaching isn't counseling. Again, there's a time and a place for counselors and therapists to come alongside us to help us look back over our past to face it and come to terms with it. But this backward-looking orientation isn't at all the focus of coaching. Coaching focuses on the future.
Coaching is a relationship between coach and coachee (the person being coached) where the coach comes alongside (not above) the coachee...
Coaching is future-oriented, goal-oriented, and action-based. The coach asks, "What will you do?"
Coaching combines insight with a practical plan to act on that insight. There's no change or progress without insight, but insight alone doesn't equal change. How often do we know what we need to do, but we don't know how to make it happen?
Coaching is based on the belief that the person being coached has many of the resources and abilities needed to achieve their goals. A great example was Tiger Woods' swing coach. Tiger had a better swing than anyone on the planet, but he was wise enough to have someone come alongside to help him get unstuck and improve.
Coaching is a relationship with a purpose, focused on facilitating change. When someone is coaching you, there's a special one-way relationship going on. The goal of the coach is to help you achieve the changes that you want for yourself.
Coaching is about change—better, faster, deeper change. If you're not ready for change, you're not ready for coaching.
Coaching has (only) two prerequisites. The first is your readiness to change. How ready are you to change? How badly do you want it? The second is your willingness to be in a coaching relationship. You may be aching to change, but if you're unwilling to allow another person to come alongside to help make that process easier, you're wasting both your time and theirs.
Coaching, at its core, is about asking helpful and powerful questions. Where a consultant gives expert answers, a coach asks powerful questions. The point of the questions is not primarily to surface information for the coach but to help you clearly see your situation and the range of possibilities you have. While counseling might focus on the "why" questions, coaching tends to ask the "what" questions.
Coaching is usually a process rather than a one-and-done conversation. There is a form of coaching called Motivational Interviewing, which can last only a single session. But more often, coaching is a process that continues over a period of time, from a few weeks to many months. In this case, you and your coach would meet periodically (say once a month). Typically, you'd set your goals, develop a plan, spend a month trying out the plan, and then circle back a month later to check in, evaluate, reassess, and then work on next steps as you move toward your goal.
Coaching is more effective when the coach exhibits key character traits. Some things to look for in a coach are emotional self-awareness and the ability to focus on your best interests, empathy, humility, patience, persistence, and good listening skills.
Coaching involves the Five R's. There's a flow to the coaching conversation. Relate—building the relationship that's the foundation of coaching. Reflect—Where are you right now? Celebrating progress, clarifying direction, and seeing the obstacles. Refocus—What will you do? This is the planning stage where the game plan and potential next steps are formulated. Resource—What do you need? Identifying the options and resources that you might need in order to move forward. Review—Celebrating success. It's easy to obsess about the things that haven't changed and to lose heart. Reviewing what's been accomplished puts fuel back in the tank.
Powerful questions raise expectations, awareness, and responsibility. Imagine having a conversation with someone who is asking you the following kinds of questions, listening carefully to your answers, and moving the process along toward practical change.
What's working?
What's not working?
What are you learning?
Where are you stuck?
What needs to change?
What are the next steps?
What would happen if...?
What's your biggest need right now?
What's the first thing you need to do about it?
When will you do it?
Who do you need to help you?
How will you measure your progress?
What are three things you could do this week to begin to move toward your goal?
Good, what are two more?
What would you do if money weren't an obstacle?
What do we need to focus on today to keep you moving toward your goal?
How can you set your goal so that it depends on you and not on what others do?
What if that obstacle was overcome? What would you do then?
Of the options that you could do, which will you do, and by when?
On a scale of one to ten, how important is this goal to you?
On a scale of one to ten, how confident are you that you'll do your plan this coming week?
What would it take to make it at least an 8?
What really matters?
What obstacles are you facing?
When have you successfully faced a situation like this in the past?
What are we missing?
What else?
There are all kinds of coaching techniques and processes that coaches use, depending on the kind of coaching you might need or respond well to. One of the most popular and versatile coaching models is the "G.R.O.W." model. It's very much future-oriented and action-oriented, and designed to accelerate your change process. It follows a careful progressive sequence of questions, with each stage building on the last, ending with a commitment to action steps.
Each letter stands for a key step in the coaching conversation. "G" stands for Goals. "R" stands for Reality Check. "O" stands for Options/Obstacles. And "W" stands for "What/Will/Way Forward. As you read through each of these sets of questions, imagine being in a coaching conversation with someone helping you raise awareness of your own goals, situation, options, and practical plan.
The conversation starts with you figuring out what you really want and tapping into your deep motivation for change.
Typical questions at this stage: What 2-3 things could you work on that would make the most difference for your life right now? Of those, what are you most motivated to do or improve or change? Why is this important to you? Try to be specific. What's your timeline? One month? 3 months? 6-12 months? What will you measure to know whether you're making progress or not? What will it look like when you reach your objective?
Remember to ask God to give you hope and inspiration for a bold vision.
Now that you've identified the most important goal that you want to work on and tapped into your own motivation, the next step in the conversation turns toward where you are in relation to that goal.
Typical questions at this stage: Compared to your goals, where are you right now? How do you feel about the “gap”? Guilty? Hopeful? Frustrated? Optimistic? What are you already doing well? What resources do you have? What chronic problems are you facing? What's lacking? What's getting in the way? Where do you tend to get stuck? Is this a one-time issue for you, or is it something you struggle with a lot?
Remember to ask God to give you honesty and truth.
Once you have clarity on your goal (the end point) and awareness of where you are now (your starting point), the idea is to generate a lot of viable options to start making steps toward your goal. It's massively important to generate as many options for yourself as possible, since Plan A (or even Plans B, C, or D) almost never works out flawlessly. And it's also important to identify predicable obstacles so that you can identify options to overcome those obstacles. This part of the coaching process involves you using your imagination and thinking positively.
Typical questions at this stage: Think of 3 options/approaches that you might take to start achieving your goal(s). What might you do? What seems obvious? Now think of at least two more. If you had unlimited resources, what else might you try? As you contemplate potential obstacles, what could you do to overcome or work around them? What kinds of help and resources (time, support, accountability, money, prayer, etc.) will you need?
Remember to ask God to give you imagination, new possibilities, and others to help you.
The final phase of the coaching conversation is designed to get you to decide on a plan that you'll actually follow though on. Just talking about options and leaving it there is a recipe for remaining stuck.
Typical questions at this stage: What are you going to do? Of all the options you surfaced, which ones do you want to pursue? When are you going to do it? What steps will you take this week that would move you toward your goal(s)? How confident are you (on a scale of 1-10) that you will carry it out? Let's not set you up for failure, so, if it's not at least an 8, then how could you change your plan to get you to 8?
Remember to ask God to give you decisiveness, determination, and courage.
We started by saying that odds are you probably could use a coach over the next couple of years as you go through reentry, but that you might be feeling some reluctance to try coaching. We hope we've given you some food for thought and nudged you in the direction of checking out some coaching resources. If you're tired of being stuck and ready for change that's better, faster, and deeper, there are plenty of coaches out there ready to come alongside.
We'll leave you with this...
What needs to change?
Who do you need to help you get unstuck?
When will you start?